These past few days have been philosophical and depressing. I’ve been thinking a lot more about my future again and it always makes me question if what I think I should be doing is what I really want to do. Right now, my goal is to get into an occupational therapy program. I’ve been looking into this since my first or second year of college, but I didn’t stop being so “I don’t know” about it until this year when I actually started telling people (and myself) that this is what I am trying to pursue. Yet, I also found myself incapable of telling everyone, perhaps in fear of being judged and not meeting expectations. But I know I can’t be living my life based on what I think people are expecting me to make out of it. It’s slightly conflicted still, but it’s the clearest direction I’ve got in ages. I’ll be dedicating this entire summer to bettering myself for occupational therapy.
But lately, I’ve started questioning myself on what is it that I really want to do. I have never had to do this much thinking for my life before. I’ve just been rolling with the motions up to this point. It’s been so easy to do just that as my life has always been so structured for the most part. Now that I can make individualized decisions, I cannot help but wonder if what I am doing is right. Ever since elementary school, I knew I wanted to go to college. But when you really think about it, did I want to go to college or did I feel compelled to go to college? Going to college have been so ingrained into my existence that I can’t even separate the two. I’m nearly 21 and sometimes I feel I can’t even think for myself without needing someone else to approve or give me the thumbs up before I proceed. I don’t even know where I’m going anymore. This topic makes me feel so lost.
One thing that I know for sure is that this stemmed from my roommate freaking out about getting recommendation letters. Somehow, thinking about my own recommendation letters (and for the record, I haven’t asked anyone and I don’t even have a professor in mind to ask) just brought me on a downward spiral way of thinking. My roommate has succeeded in asking her profs for recs whereas I’m just wallowing in a corner. I don’t necessarily need letters of recs from profs though, so I’m still sane to some extent.
Gosh, I’m so nervous and uneasy about my life right now.
Over spring break, I went shopping with a friend who was insistent on only trying on sizes that she was certain was her sizes (small for shirts, size 26 or smaller for pants). You might be thinking, what’s wrong with that? For her, if a certain style only had medium or larger for shirts or only had size 27 or larger for pants, she would immediately put it down and not look back on the item again. I find this method of shopping to be a bit absurd, if not a lot. She would be missing out on the chance that the larger size actually fits her, if not fit her better just because she was so fixated on what the label was telling her. When I shop, I look for what’s usually my size. If it looks about right, then I’ll try that. If it looks too small, I’ll size up and try that. If it looks too big, I’ll size down and try that. If I can’t decide, I’ll take the same article of clothing in two sizes that looks like it would fit me and see which size would look best on me. Don’t just look at the label and make the decision. By all means, use your “size” as a starting point for your search, but make the final decision based on how different sizes would fit you. Buy the size that looks the best on you, not the smallest size that would fit you. I don’t think of myself as being big or small. I have clothes ranging from XS-L. I do not conform to a certain size and neither should anybody else for that matter.
I’ve been meaning to blog for a while now but it keeps slipping my mind. there’s so much to catch up on. My finals all went well. I felt so lucky for my abnormal psych class. Should I have gotten one more question wrong on my final, my grade would have ended up differently. That grade actually went up within 12 hours of taking the final, the fastest I have received my score, ever. In contrast, my disability studies class grade came up within the last few hours before grades are due (Monday of first week). But regardless, happy with the way things turned out last quarter.
Spring break was uneventful for the most part, but what’s new. I was on call for jury duty that week and just when I thought I was able to avoid having to go to court, I was summoned on Friday, the last possible day. My brother and mom drove me there and I basically sat at court for about 2.5 hours. Thankfully, there wasn’t actually anything, so we were all dismissed early and I’m free from having to go again for another 12 months.
Spring quarter started a while ago and Chinese actually makes me anxious. A part of it has to do with me being new in a series where people have been with the professor for two quarters already and knows how things are run. I feel like I am at such a disadvantage at times. I am even going through all their vocabularies from the first two quarters to make more sense of everything that’s going on. One thing that I really dislike about the class is that both the professor and TA randomly calls on students. I know it’s to be sure we are studying on track and we are practicing speaking, but I feel so not at ease for every class.
As for my core psych class on learning, we have a quiz every week. That should keep me on track of my studies too. The midterms and final worries me though. The test will be in completely T/F format. I have never experienced that before. It’s just a pretty daunting thought. On the other hand, my elective psych class on social cognitive neuroscience sounds daunting but the professor is so engaging and the class is pretty interesting. I have no idea what to say about the testing, but I am hoping everything will be ok.
Today, I was having a dream and just as it was getting to the most climatic part, the 4.4 earthquake woke me up a little before 6:30am. My alarm was set at 6:45am for my 8am final, but the earthquake was definitely the superior alarm. I was already so alert that it was unnecessary for me to even use the alarm. Walked to my final and spent 2 out of the 3 hours allocated. I didn’t feel too bad and I stopped caring too much. I’m a little unsure of one of the quotes but I’m glad she choose the essay prompts that I was more comfortable with answering. After that, I came back to the apartment to make myself lunch using my dad’s prepared meat in my udon. By the time I finished preparing, eating, and cleaning, it was already time for me to go to my volunteer place. As I was approaching the bus stop, I saw a guy holding a sign asking for assistance nearby. It became an awkward situation for me because I didn’t have anything to spare and I didn’t want to be harassed. Glad the worst case scenario didn’t happen. On the bus, a lady came on with a wheelchair. I was pleased to see the bus driver be caring and patient. Really great service but it actually doesn’t beat the service I saw last week. My bus driver back to UCLA last week was so attentive to everyone and their stops, if they asked him about it. It was so amazing to see how into their job they are. But anyways, I only did one thing at volunteer today other than shadowing. The shadowing sessions are so helpful and I really enjoy being able to watch the process. So thankful for this opportunity. I’m only not thankful for the commute. I probably barely missed the bus again so I had to wait about 15-20 minutes. The ride itself was so long (45 minutes) that my bus got overlapped by another bus going on the same route. It was kind of unbelievable, unless the bus wasn’t in service.
My first final is tomorrow at 8am. Why the hell am I not studying? It’s not like I’m particularly ready.
I have so much shit to do, like always. But I’m being completely unproductive. I’m going to hate myself tomorrow, Friday, over the weekend, and during finals week. Sigh, I need to stop doing this to myself
I also started wearing my contacts again today. I was having so much difficulty getting out my right lens. Which reminds me, I got my half a year supply on Monday. The school decided to call my home phone to notify me that it was in… instead of my cellphone. Good thing I went home over the weekend to hear the voicemail.
This is probably completely incoherent and going backwards, but whatever. Speaking of Monday, I was let out early from volunteering. Part of the reason is because the girl I shadow cancelled. For my last two times leaving my volunteer place, I barely made the bus. This week, I barely missed it. I saw it come and go, but I was a little too far to get there before it took off. Ended up waiting an extra 20 minutes for the next bus and then suffering traffic.
Ever since my pokemon or yu-gi-oh days, I’ve been using the same eraser tube. I remember because I bought that tube from the same store that sold those cards. I recently lost my eraser. I remember using it in my earlier class on Tuesday and I couldn’t find it in class on Wednesday. I probably dropped it during my second class and didn’t know because I was falling asleep. I’m kind of sad because I’ve been using the same eraser tube for so many years… probably around 10 years, from like the end of elementary school/middle school to now as a 3rd year in college. Is it silly that I’m attached to my school supplies?
Just read a correspondence of an individual in high school expressing his thoughts on subject matters (I’m creepin’, I know). All I see is the lack of depth and understanding in his answers. His thoughts came across to me as naive and innocent, giving off the vibe that he had never experienced the world outside of the safety of his home. And by home, I mean a solely inclusive, closed-off community. It made me realize how much I’ve grown and how much knowledge I’ve gain this year just living away from home and taking classes that are offering me so many new ways of seeing how our world is constructed. Each year, I’m just growing more and more and gaining new understandings. The way I perceive the world now feels so drastically different from the way I saw it just a few years ago, maybe even a year ago. I’m really glad to have taken these courses that forced me to really think about other perspectives and understand that the way in which we use language could completely change everything. Looking at my past, I can distinctively see my teenage phase and most importantly, the pent up angst. Can’t believe I’ve grown so much and there’s so much more growing to come.
Out of either procrastination or whatever, I finally updated my college expenses excel sheet today. So far, it looks like living in the apartments is just about as costly as living in the dorms. Living in apartments is just more bothersome in that I have to make food for myself, travel farther, and paying bills. But these are all building my life skills. Plus, having my own bills and shit to deal with improved my credit score drastically (but that still doesn’t account for the whole story).
Just spamming away today. So I think on Tuesday night, I emailed my workplace that I won’t be able to come in because I wanted to rest my thumb. My job is to take measurements of the glucose and lactose concentration in the plasma. To take the measurements, I generally pipet about 3 hours a day for 2 days a week. Long story short, I’ve been doing this consistently since July and I have recently begun doing this on back-to-back days because that’s all my schedule allows me. My right thumb started feeling different over last weekend. I don’t know how to describe it but it felt a little sore and stiff. There was definitely something off about it so I thought it would be good idea to take this week off just as precaution in case I strained something. Moving my right thumb felt different from moving my left thumb. I felt like I needed to put more effort into moving my right one. After looking this up on google, it appears I may have gotten a repetitive strain injury. It feels better now and I’m considering visiting the health center on Monday when I go have my eye check-up if it doesn’t completely clear.
But yeah, the lab assistant got back to me the morning after. They’re generally cool with everything (not that I push any boundaries anyways). The postdoc is now considering the possibilities of my getting more involved with their research if I’m interested (because I asked if there was anything else I could do). Heck yeah! Even though I’m not looking into going that much deeper into the sciences, I still have interest in learning more and contributing more to their research. It’s quite fascinating and I’m also not looking forward to having to do as much Analox (the measurement taking) anymore since I injured my thumb. I really don’t want to push my thumb to the limit and see long term consequences. Must take precautions because this is all I have. This experience made me realize that I take my hand, especially the thumb, for granted and has also given me an opportunity.