I should re-evaluate my life to see what makes me happy. I’ve been so stressed and having self-doubts that it’s hardly functional. So tiring and I’m worn-out.
Ouch. It seems like out of no where, my right upper wisdom teeth starting growing out more again because it’s hurting my lower right gum.
In other news, I got my papers and documents ready to send out for GRE. I don’t know why I never really do anything at home and only get more productive when I’m at my apartment.
After finals were over, my parents picked me up right away and I spent a week and a half at home. It was pretty nice, got to hang out with a couple of friends. Got to see one of them for the last time before she headed to Japan. It was kind of funny and at the same time scary how that hang out ended. My friend decided to go visit another friend unannounced. Not surprisingly, we weren’t let in. About 15 minutes later, my friend’s car started to blink so she turned it off. When she tried turning it on again, it wouldn’t turn on. It only clicked and continue blinking lights. That was pretty scary because her car was acting haunted, it was midnight, and we were stranded unprotected in an open street in a nonfunctional car. Eventually I got my dad to come and he jump started the car and that was what I got to remember my friend by.
A couple days later, I went out with a friend because I was getting bored. She invited another mutual friend and we ended up going to the outlet. Particularly at H&M was where the most interesting shopping happened. On Wrapp, facebook friends can send each other giftcards. H&M is a constant one and they have $6 giftcards. I found two $7 shirts and had the intention of getting one for about $1 after the giftcard discount. Yeah, that didn’t really happen. I’ve been having a thing for white shirts lately and it’s been a constant problem that white shirts are so sheer and I don’t always want to wear a tank top under to cover up. Both shirts that caught my attention were too sheer and looked way too bulky with a tank top underneath, so both were a no-go for me. I really did like how one of them looked on me though. Well, my friend really liked it too and didn’t mind having her bra show when she wears the shirt, so she bought it. Really not a bad deal when you get pass the bra issue We did some shopping at Papaya afterwards. I don’t know when it started but I haven’t been able to find anything to get myself at Papaya anymore nowadays. When I was still in high school, every time I walked into Papaya, I always came back out with at least one item. It is no longer, but I also wasn’t trying very hard. In sum, the outlet wasn’t that exciting at all. However, kbbq that happened after was great. The first time I had kbbq was probably two years ago and I thought it was okay. For this most recent time, I enjoyed it a lot more. I feel like my taste in food is getting more varied, which allows me to appreciate a wider range of food.
The next day, I watched How to Train Your Dragon 2 with that same friend. I already had two friends on separate occasions asking me to go but both fell through, partly because I wasn’t all that interested in going because I never watched the first movie. What a mistake that was because I actually really liked the movies. I ended up watching the first movie right before going to the theaters because that was the only way for me to feel like I’m actually doing myself and the movie justice. But yeah, it was great. I enjoyed it. I’m starting to like this one particular theater. Woohoo for recliner chairs.
It’s that time of the quarter again. Finals. Well, finals week technically began today, but I am already done with two. One more to do and I’m officially on summer break… for a week. I’m trying to figuring out what to write for my personal statement. I have my opinions and mindsets that I want to write about but I don’t think I have a specific situation to draw on to pinpoint the start of my interest in that career path. I think it should be ok that I don’t, but I’m not sure how strong my personal statement would turn out. I will still talk about specific things, just no hooky start. I know I want to talk about my experience taking disabilities studies and volunteering (maybe both at the center and the hospital) and maybe even my current work. Need to start studying for GRE and take it soon. It scares me a little how fast time is passing by.
Turned 21 on Monday. Volunteered longer than I intended to because I wanted to leave a little earlier since I had a midterm the next day. I realized I enjoy shadowing one particular therapist more just because I feel like I can connect with her more and the way we communicate seem less bounded by barriers. Not saying that the other therapist is bad at all, just that I feel like I have to prod for information and topics of discussion is more limited. But midterm went more smooth than I thought and I’m happy for that. Wednesday we had an in-class writing assignment for Chinese. I knew the topic but I didn’t prepare for it because my friend told me not to stress too much about it. I wanted to bring my laptop because it would have been easier to type but I didn’t because of poor battery life and not wanting to carry that with me. I had to double check and resend it afterwards but I think things worked out. After class, I started working in the ICU again. I feel like I keep getting the hang of it more every day. My data collection is getting better and efficient. Today, my roommate took me out to get my first legal alcoholic drink. I ended up getting a pomegranate margarita on a whim. Not bad because I actually didn’t have to taste the alcohol and it didn’t actually affect me that much. Not sure if the affect was even enough to be considered tipsy. I have no idea what the alcohol content was and I was definitely eating food along with it.
These past few days have been philosophical and depressing. I’ve been thinking a lot more about my future again and it always makes me question if what I think I should be doing is what I really want to do. Right now, my goal is to get into an occupational therapy program. I’ve been looking into this since my first or second year of college, but I didn’t stop being so “I don’t know” about it until this year when I actually started telling people (and myself) that this is what I am trying to pursue. Yet, I also found myself incapable of telling everyone, perhaps in fear of being judged and not meeting expectations. But I know I can’t be living my life based on what I think people are expecting me to make out of it. It’s slightly conflicted still, but it’s the clearest direction I’ve got in ages. I’ll be dedicating this entire summer to bettering myself for occupational therapy.
But lately, I’ve started questioning myself on what is it that I really want to do. I have never had to do this much thinking for my life before. I’ve just been rolling with the motions up to this point. It’s been so easy to do just that as my life has always been so structured for the most part. Now that I can make individualized decisions, I cannot help but wonder if what I am doing is right. Ever since elementary school, I knew I wanted to go to college. But when you really think about it, did I want to go to college or did I feel compelled to go to college? Going to college have been so ingrained into my existence that I can’t even separate the two. I’m nearly 21 and sometimes I feel I can’t even think for myself without needing someone else to approve or give me the thumbs up before I proceed. I don’t even know where I’m going anymore. This topic makes me feel so lost.
One thing that I know for sure is that this stemmed from my roommate freaking out about getting recommendation letters. Somehow, thinking about my own recommendation letters (and for the record, I haven’t asked anyone and I don’t even have a professor in mind to ask) just brought me on a downward spiral way of thinking. My roommate has succeeded in asking her profs for recs whereas I’m just wallowing in a corner. I don’t necessarily need letters of recs from profs though, so I’m still sane to some extent.
Gosh, I’m so nervous and uneasy about my life right now.
Over spring break, I went shopping with a friend who was insistent on only trying on sizes that she was certain was her sizes (small for shirts, size 26 or smaller for pants). You might be thinking, what’s wrong with that? For her, if a certain style only had medium or larger for shirts or only had size 27 or larger for pants, she would immediately put it down and not look back on the item again. I find this method of shopping to be a bit absurd, if not a lot. She would be missing out on the chance that the larger size actually fits her, if not fit her better just because she was so fixated on what the label was telling her. When I shop, I look for what’s usually my size. If it looks about right, then I’ll try that. If it looks too small, I’ll size up and try that. If it looks too big, I’ll size down and try that. If I can’t decide, I’ll take the same article of clothing in two sizes that looks like it would fit me and see which size would look best on me. Don’t just look at the label and make the decision. By all means, use your “size” as a starting point for your search, but make the final decision based on how different sizes would fit you. Buy the size that looks the best on you, not the smallest size that would fit you. I don’t think of myself as being big or small. I have clothes ranging from XS-L. I do not conform to a certain size and neither should anybody else for that matter.
I’ve been meaning to blog for a while now but it keeps slipping my mind. there’s so much to catch up on. My finals all went well. I felt so lucky for my abnormal psych class. Should I have gotten one more question wrong on my final, my grade would have ended up differently. That grade actually went up within 12 hours of taking the final, the fastest I have received my score, ever. In contrast, my disability studies class grade came up within the last few hours before grades are due (Monday of first week). But regardless, happy with the way things turned out last quarter.
Spring break was uneventful for the most part, but what’s new. I was on call for jury duty that week and just when I thought I was able to avoid having to go to court, I was summoned on Friday, the last possible day. My brother and mom drove me there and I basically sat at court for about 2.5 hours. Thankfully, there wasn’t actually anything, so we were all dismissed early and I’m free from having to go again for another 12 months.
Spring quarter started a while ago and Chinese actually makes me anxious. A part of it has to do with me being new in a series where people have been with the professor for two quarters already and knows how things are run. I feel like I am at such a disadvantage at times. I am even going through all their vocabularies from the first two quarters to make more sense of everything that’s going on. One thing that I really dislike about the class is that both the professor and TA randomly calls on students. I know it’s to be sure we are studying on track and we are practicing speaking, but I feel so not at ease for every class.
As for my core psych class on learning, we have a quiz every week. That should keep me on track of my studies too. The midterms and final worries me though. The test will be in completely T/F format. I have never experienced that before. It’s just a pretty daunting thought. On the other hand, my elective psych class on social cognitive neuroscience sounds daunting but the professor is so engaging and the class is pretty interesting. I have no idea what to say about the testing, but I am hoping everything will be ok.
Today, I was having a dream and just as it was getting to the most climatic part, the 4.4 earthquake woke me up a little before 6:30am. My alarm was set at 6:45am for my 8am final, but the earthquake was definitely the superior alarm. I was already so alert that it was unnecessary for me to even use the alarm. Walked to my final and spent 2 out of the 3 hours allocated. I didn’t feel too bad and I stopped caring too much. I’m a little unsure of one of the quotes but I’m glad she choose the essay prompts that I was more comfortable with answering. After that, I came back to the apartment to make myself lunch using my dad’s prepared meat in my udon. By the time I finished preparing, eating, and cleaning, it was already time for me to go to my volunteer place. As I was approaching the bus stop, I saw a guy holding a sign asking for assistance nearby. It became an awkward situation for me because I didn’t have anything to spare and I didn’t want to be harassed. Glad the worst case scenario didn’t happen. On the bus, a lady came on with a wheelchair. I was pleased to see the bus driver be caring and patient. Really great service but it actually doesn’t beat the service I saw last week. My bus driver back to UCLA last week was so attentive to everyone and their stops, if they asked him about it. It was so amazing to see how into their job they are. But anyways, I only did one thing at volunteer today other than shadowing. The shadowing sessions are so helpful and I really enjoy being able to watch the process. So thankful for this opportunity. I’m only not thankful for the commute. I probably barely missed the bus again so I had to wait about 15-20 minutes. The ride itself was so long (45 minutes) that my bus got overlapped by another bus going on the same route. It was kind of unbelievable, unless the bus wasn’t in service.
My first final is tomorrow at 8am. Why the hell am I not studying? It’s not like I’m particularly ready.